The Key to a Lasting Marriage: Combat

The Wall Street Journal Online
By Hilary Stout
Photo by Getty Images

Even happy couples aren't really compatible, suggests latest research.

A growing body of research suggests there is no such thing as a compatible couple.

This may come as no surprise to all those who have endured years of thermostat wars, objectionable spending habits and maddening tendencies at the wheel. But it flies smack in the face of Hollywood, Shakespeare, most people's core fantasies, and all those dating Web sites touting scientific screening to find a perfect match.

Years of relationship studies by some leading figures in the field make it increasingly clear that most couples, whether they're happy or unhappy, have a similar number of irreconcilable differences. What is more, all couples -- happy or not -- tend to argue about the same things. Top of the list, whether you are rich or poor, is money. Other common topics include household chores, work obligations, kids and differing priorities. Golf course or family outing? Vacation with the kids or without them?

"Compatibility is misunderstood and overrated," says Ted Huston, a professor of psychology and human ecology. Mr. Huston and his colleagues have been following 168 couples since they married as twentysomethings during the 1980s. They interviewed them two months after their wedding, then again 14 months, 26 months and 13 years later about two potential marriage minefields: leisure interests and the expectations about who should do what around the house.

After 13.5 years, 105 of the couples still were married and 56 were divorced. (The others were widowed or couldn't be located.) The researchers found that the couples who divorced "were not less similar" in either category.

This study and others like it also make clear that most disagreements that arise in a marriage -- 69% of them, according to work by John Gottman, a relationship researcher at the University of Washington -- are never resolved.

The result has been a gradual shift in marriage therapy toward helping spouses manage, accept, and even "honor" their discord, rather than trying to resolve the irresolvable. One national couples-counseling program suggests spouses schedule a regular weekly date to argue. Others now offer instruction in fighting. Some encourage couples to single out problems that can be dealt with and accept that most (like how tidy the house should be) will never be resolved.

"If I were to characterize the way programs have changed in last half-decade that would be the major thing," Mr. Huston says.

Of course some conflicts do matter deeply -- she wants children, he doesn't, to name a big one; alcoholism and infidelity, to name a couple more. Differing religions and cultural attitudes also are problematic, especially after the couple has children, says Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. He and co-director Howard Markman have done extensive studies tracking couples from courtship through years of marriage.

But the bottom line, Mr. Markman says, is that "virtually all couples, happy and unhappy, are going to argue, particularly in the early stages" of marriage. "What tends to predict the future of a relationship is not what you argue about, but when you do argue, how you handle your negative emotions."

Growing consensus around that notion has led some in the profession to develop rules of engagement that can make arguing less destructive:

Don't escalate an argument by blurting out sweeping generalizations: "You always..." Stay on the specific subject. Don't drag past events, behavior and lingering grudges into the discussion.

Try not to interrupt -- let your spouse finish making a point before you jump in.

Take a little time to cool down after a heated argument. But within an hour, Mr. Gottman recommends having a "reconciliatory conversation," which will should result in a more level-headed, productive discussion.

Researchers at Mr. Gottman's Relationship Research Laboratory (known informally to people in the field as the "love lab") videotaped couples arguing and monitored their heart rates. When the heart rates rose above 100, the researchers interrupted and said (falsely) that their equipment was malfunctioning. They asked couples to stop and read a magazine until it was fixed. Once both people's heart rates had dropped down to normal range -- after about a half-hour -- the researchers announced the equipment was fixed and the couples started up their disagreement again.

The change after the interlude was marked. "It was like it was a different relationship," Mr. Gottman says. Everyone was "much more rational and creative."

While airing differences is important, make sure to set aside some time where discussing areas of discord is off-limits, Mr. Stanley and Mr. Markman say. A walk by the river on a beautiful autumn day isn't the time to bring up problems; it is a time to enjoy each other and remember what attracted you to each other in the first place.

Instead -- and this may seem weird -- set aside a time to talk about the things that are bothering you. Like many married couples, Jim and Kathryn Lewis have a Saturday "date" built into their weekly schedules. The purpose isn't to catch a movie or linger over a romantic dinner. Essentially, it is to argue.

On the recommendation of Mr. Stanley a few years ago, the couple started going out to breakfast every Saturday morning to discuss problems and issues. At first it felt a little weird. Once they settled into the routine, it proved enormously helpful. Before, discord could erupt at any moment and tempers would flare. Now, knowing they have a set time to discuss difficult issues is comforting and leaves them the rest of the week to relax, Mr. Lewis says. In fact, they rarely argue during the sessions anymore. They simply work through issues. "Now we really look forward to it," he says.

Douglas Kelley and Vince Waldron, professors at Arizona State University who are studying the importance of forgiveness in marriage, interviewed a couple married for about 50 years who had another oddly comforting routine for managing discord. After a fight, the man always left the house and spent a night at a local hotel.

The next morning he would always return. Then, the two would have breakfast and sort everything out.